A large percentage of families are choosing to scatter the cremated body
of their deceased loved one. Many state laws now allow the family freedom
to manage the disposition of the cremated body themselves. The services of
the funeral director are often not requested in either arranging or
performing the final disposition. Nonetheless, funeral directors will find
unique challenges and opportunities in working with families that desire
this form of final disposition.
The Challenges
The challenge to the funeral director in serving a scattering family is
two-fold. The first challenge is within the individual funeral director.
The choice of scattering is regarded by some as a bad mistake and an act
of disrespect. This judgment may indeed come out of a heart of concern for
the family’s ultimate well-being. Nevertheless, the right of the family to
chose must be honored. For them, scattering is no less an act of
disrespect than any other form of disposition. The role of the funeral
director, then, must be to sublimate personal judgment, and to support the
family in carrying out their choice of disposition. This leads to the
second challenge.
Most people have little experience when it comes to the choices and
decisions required when a death occurs. Our experience has taught us the
value of marking the death of a significant person with ceremony or ritual,
however small or simple. We understand the importance of keeping something
that holds for us memories of the deceased. We know the comfort of having
a place to go which represents for us the presence of the one who has died.
As funeral directors, we are in the memory business. While I do not believe
it is our place to direct the choices of the family one way or the other,
I do strongly believe that it is our duty to provide information and
options so that the family can make the best decision for themselves.
Correct information delivered in a caring and non-judgmental way will
provide all the influence necessary for the family to make their decisions.
Opening The Door
Funeral directors are occasionally confronted with a person who is guarded,
defensive and simply not open to any discussion at all. I have seen it
helpful in such instances to make a simple statement of intent, such as,
"Mr. Jones, I completely honor your right to make these decisions. Because
of that, I feel it is my professional obligation to make sure you have all
the facts..." Such a statement used at the beginning of an arrangement
conference often precludes resistance from the family. By "setting the
agenda" for the time spent with a family during the arrangement conference,
a counselor can more easily accomplish the task of providing information
and assisting a family in making a decision that is best for them.
If the counselor is equipped with some well-crafted questions, opening the
door to exploring the possibilities rising out of the family’s decision to
scatter is easy. Here is an example of such a question, asked after learning
of the family’s intent to scatter: "Will you be doing a complete or a
ceremonial scattering?"* This question is designed to be a little ambiguous,
so that it creates the question in the mind of the family,
"What’s the difference?" This opens the door to talk about all of the things
we know are so important: doing something, keeping something,
having a place to go.
The essential issue around which a discussion of scattering should revolve
is the fact that scattering the cremated body is an irreversible act.
All the options will, in one form or another, address this issue in a
positive and healthy way, and be focused on the ultimate best interests of
the family as a whole.
Options
Do something.
A vital aspect of the grieving process is involvement: doing
something. A ceremony or gathering provides a way to express and absorb the
loss as a family and community. People need to participate, whether formally
or informally, whether in a gathering or privately.
The question, "Will you be doing a complete or ceremonial scattering?"
addresses the issue of what the family (and individuals) will be doing.
The word "ceremony" can have a lot of baggage with it in the minds of some
people. You may want to use another word or phrase, depending upon the
particular family. For instance, use "memorial scattering" rather than
"ceremonial scattering." This is what crafting a question is all about:
the very deliberate use of words to create an opening for exploration. The
point is to enter into a discussion of what the family intends to do in
honoring the deceased.
Will the family gather together at the time of the scattering? Will more
than one person scatter the cremated body? Will the gathering be at the
place of the scattering or somewhere else, either before or after? Will
they do more than one scattering if there are relatives or friends in
another part of the country? If people know the date and time the
scattering will occur, they can then take that time to honor the memory of
the deceased in their own way. If the family is adverse to the idea of any
gathering or ceremony, perhaps suggest the importance of providing a way for
other family members or friends to express their feelings.
Keep something.
The question, "Will you be doing a complete or ceremonial scattering?" also
opens the discussion of keeping something that holds memories of the deceased.
A "ceremonial scattering" could be defined to the family as when not all of
the cremated body is scattered, but some is retained by one or more members
of the family. Alternatively, it could be explained as when portions of the
cremated body will be scattered at different locations.
Suppliers and vendors to the funeral industry have been inventive and prolific
in providing ways to remember. Two popular product types that relate
specifically to families that desire to scatter are scattering urns and
keepsakes.
Scattering urns are designed to be functional in two ways: they
facilitate the scattering by being easy to pour from. Their shape allows the
cremated remains to be easily emptied from the urn. Some scattering urns have
a handle recessed in the bottom. This feature allows the urn to be held
securely. This is helpful if the scattering is done from the deck of a boat
that is pitching and rolling on the water, or if several people want to hold
or touch the urn as the cremated remains are poured out. The second function
of a scattering urn is as a vase or decorative piece in the home which holds
tremendous meaning following the scattering. Of course, any urn could be used
this way. However, scattering urns typically do not have an appearance
associated with an urn. This may be a beneficial feature for some families.
Keepsake urns and jewelry come in several sizes and styles. If the
scattering is not a "complete scattering," keepsakes can be used to contain
portions of the cremated body for as many people as needed. If the cremated
body was scattered from a larger urn, a keepsake of the same design can be
given to individuals to remind them of the deceased. Keepsakes can be used
to contain jewelry, hair or other mementos of the deceased.
One way to inform families about the different options regarding these
products, is to display them in a way that communicates their function.
Display a scattering urn as a vase, with a flower arrangement in it.
Perhaps put next to it a picture of a scattering ceremony using that urn.
Display a keepsake urn with a wedding ring. Display keepsakes of the same
design as a larger urn together with that larger urn. Keepsake jewelry can
be displayed using partial mannequins or with photographs showing someone
wearing the pendant. Some vendors provide other accessory items such as
picture frames and vases that can enhance a display and suggest other
possibilities to the family.
Have a place to go.
The important issue here is to have a specific place to go that is a
touch-point of remembering, a place to visit that holds significance for both
the deceased and the survivors. A poignant demonstration of this fundamental
human need is seen in the makeshift memorials along side highways where there
has been a fatal accident. Such a memorial near where I live has been
maintained by friends or family members for the last three years.
If the family will be scattering in a cemetery garden or at some location that
has particular meaning, this need is met nicely. If the scattering is done at
sea, perhaps a point on the coast could become that special place to go. One
sea captain I know always gives the family a small nautical chart with the
location of the scattering marked on it, with approximate latitude and
longitude. Knowing the precise location amidst miles and miles of ocean can be
comforting. Another idea is to create a monument (however great or small) in
honor of the deceased in a significant location. One family I know renamed a
mountain. Of course, all the maps still call it by the old name, but for that
family, it is "Nate’s Peak."
In Conclusion
I have seen how entering into such discussions with families can result in
their desire to have the funeral director more involved in the actual service.
Often it results in increased sales of merchandise. But always, building a
relationship of trust and concern has effects far beyond the walls of the
funeral home. These ideas and suggestions will gradually lead to increasing
the bottom line on the cremation business you do, which is important. But the
biggest benefit is that they will help you serve families in a conscientious
and compassionate way, thereby increasing your reputation and good will in
your community. This is the intangible revenue that builds a solid foundation,
ensuring continued success in a challenging profession.
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