Two words describe the fundamental purposes of an arrangement counselor
working with a family: communication and relationship. Everything - from
obtaining information for the death certificate to placing a death notice
in the paper; from listening to their story of the final moments in the
hospital to casket selection - distills down to these two ideas.
Communication and relationship are integral parts of each other.
Communication initiates relationship, and the nature of that relationship
fosters communication. The relationship can be changed by communication.
The kind of relationship that serves both the family and the funeral director
is one of respect and trust. Achieving this will depend upon the willingness
of the funeral director to manage the communication in ways that build these
qualities into the relationship. This is a broad topic worthy of much study,
but for our purposes in this article, the discussion will focus on one of
the basic causes of miscommunication, and how to overcome it. If
effective communication builds a relationship of respect and trust,
miscommunication must do the opposite. Understanding how and where
miscommunication happens is fundamental to establishing more effective
communication skills.
Assumptions
The basic premise of this article is: incorrect assumptions are at the
root of most miscommunication.
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Assume: To take for granted or without
proof; to suppose or postulate; to guess.
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Most of us are familiar with the adage about assumption derived from the
letters of the word, assume: ass - u - me. While this might be true,
one thing is for sure: relying on assumptions will undermine our ability
to truly serve the family.
In the funeral arrangement conference, the funeral director is faced with
a great challenge in communication. Initially, it is a room often filled
with assumptions. The family comes in with assumptions. The funeral director
comes in with assumptions. These assumptions may be accurate; most of the
time they are not. How did the family arrive at these assumptions? How did
you? Most importantly, how can these assumptions be overcome?
What assumptions do you encounter in the arrangement conference? When you
walk into the room, often you can actually feel the energy of
assumption. From the many training sessions I have done with funeral
counselors here is a list of some common assumptions they have felt from
families. Perhaps you can add to this list:
"This is going to cost more than I can afford."
"He is going to try to sell me something I don’t need."
"All they are interested in is getting my money."
"I know exactly what I want, and I don’t need anything more."
"These guys are sleazy crooks."
Assumptions don’t come out of thin air. They do have a basis for their
existence. Most of the assumptions listed above focus on the ethics,
credibility and motivation of the funeral director. [I’m going to assume(!)
that none of these are true for you; if they are, then that is a subject
for another article.] So, where does the family get these ideas? Most
typically people get them from the media or from "war stories" of friends
or family. Sometimes they come from personal experience.
Before we look at ways to deal with these assumptions of the family, we
should turn the tables and look at some of the common assumptions of the
funeral director. It requires humility to look at the assumptions you might
be making about families, but the benefits can be rewarding. We should
realize that making assumptions is very human: everyone does it.
However, not everyone has the courage and honesty to look at them for what
they are. Our personal assumptions may be deep rooted or simply lie at the
surface of our experience.Accordingly, this will determine how difficult
they are to work with.
One of the flags I use to recognize assumptions funeral directors make is
a statement like, "The families I serve don’t like...., do like...., aren’t
interested in...., etc. etc."A statement like this gathers all families
into one common mold. While there may be a basis for this assumption in
certain regional or ethnic preferences, it does not allow for either the
possibility of change or for the family that may not fit the
framework of the assumption.
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Inadvertent manipulation can happen if we rely upon our
assumptions about what a family does or does not want.
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Many funeral directors I know abhor the notion of manipulating families.
However, inadvertent manipulation can happen if we rely upon our assumptions
about what a family does or does not want. Assuming that a family
does not want (or isn’t interested in) a certain service or product, we might
not discuss it with them, thereby refusing them the right to decide for
themselves. In doing this, we steer the family into the choices we assume they
want to make.
Many of the assumptions we make in the arrangement conference can be noticed
if we pay attention to how we respond internally to statements the family
makes. For instance, if a person says, "I cant afford a lot..," what do you
think that means? Or do you know? If a person says, "We just want direct
cremation," are you sure they know what they are asking for? What one person
can afford may be very different from another. What is "a lot" may vary
drastically from one person to another. "Direct cremation" is one of those
terms that is loosely tossed about and bears more investigation.
Often assumptions arise out of the simple act of observing a person: how they
dress, how they talk or at what automobile they drive. These can be the most
difficult assumptions to acknowledge and overcome.
Overcoming Our Assumptions
Overcoming the assumptions we make is fairly simple, although it may not
be easy. The first step is awareness. If you observe yourself
caught in an assumption, you have taken the first, most difficult, and most
effective step in overcoming it. The second step is simply to acknowledge
that things can change. Let me describe this by way of example.
A wife says to you, "I can’t afford a lot." Before you say or do anything,
you see that you don’t really know what that means to her (awareness).
Additionally, you realize that no matter what it means now, the meaning
can change for her, depending upon the relationship you build with her
and the way you communicate information that could add value to what she
previously disregarded.
When we rely on our assumptions about the needs and wants of another,
communication is shut down. We become "order takers." It is vital to keep
communication open, and this is done by the use of skilled probing and
listening. This is another huge topic, and worthy of much time and effort
in practice. For the purposes of this article, we will confine our
discussion to the basic understanding of open and closed probes. A closed
probe requires a simple short answer, and requires very little thought to
answer. Often closed probes are our default manner of asking for information.
Open probes require extended answers and have the potential to gain the
trust of the person you are in discussion with. Both are good tools that can
be used for specific purposes.
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Probing and listening are the great tools in navigating
around your own assumptions.
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I use the word "probe" purposefully. Every question is a probe, but not every
probe is a question. Sometimes a simple statement can magically open a person
up to you. One of my favorite stories about this came from a manager for a
company I used to work for. A man came into the firm, and stood before her
desk in a rather imposing way. He said, "I want my mother cremated, but I
don’t want a casket." He put his fist down on the desk as he said the word
"don’t." How would you have responded? When I ask this question in training
sessions, most people respond: "OK." Or "Whatever you want, sir."But this
manager responded by saying, "It sounds like you’ve had a bad experience."
It wasn’t a question, but it was a probe. This statement opened the door
for the man to talk about what had just happened to him at another firm, and
vent his frustration and anger. All the manager had to do was listen. She then
served his needs, one of which turned out to be a cremation casket for his
mother.
Listen to yourself while you are working with families. Make a list of the
questions and statements you routinely use. Get in the habit of
"crafting" your questions. Can your closed probes be turned into open ones?
Use words purposefully. (See the article, "Working With Families That Want
To Scatter," for additional discussion on this.) Probing and listening are
the great tools in navigating around your own assumptions - being interested
in the family and probing to know them. This also builds relationship. People
respond to those who are interested in them.
Overcoming The Family’s Assumptions
It may be obvious that the use of skillful probing and listening will go a
long way toward helping the family to re-think their own assumptions. Why?
Because you have acted in a manner that is inconsistent with their
assumptions. You have shown your concern and interest in them at a very
vulnerable time. However, this same principle can be used in other ways as
well.
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Act in a manner inconsistent with negative assumptions
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As we previously discussed, many of the assumptions families make regard the
motivation and ethics of the funeral director, specifically as they relate
to money and manipulation. One of the worst things you can do in the face of
assumptions like this is to speak directly to them. For example, if the
assumption of the family is, "He’s going to sell me something I don’t need,"
and your response to this is, "You can trust me," you have just confirmed
their assumption for them. What is called for is action, not words. The
negative energy of assumptions is disarmed by acting inconsistently with
the assumption.
Setting The Agenda
By properly setting the agenda at the opening of the arrangement conference,
you can overcome many of the assumptions families come in with. This technique
helps establish positive expectations and direction. You inform the family
about the flow of the arrangement conference. You put the decision-making
power in the hands of the family, while maintaining control over the
arrangement conference. Often you will discover some of the unspoken concerns
and anxieties the family has. As you deal with them, you build trust and
eliminating surprises. (Remember: communication and relationship!)
Setting the agenda happens when you first sit down to meet with the family.
It takes about 30 to 45 seconds, and it is worth every bit of thought you
put into your words. I will show you the basic ideas, and give you some
examples of how it can be said, but in the end, you must come up with your
own words, that you are comfortable with and can say naturally and
confidently. Here are the steps:
1. State your objective.
2. Explain the basic topics and decisions.
3. Explain the time frame.
4. Give the GPL to the family
State your objective. This is a simple statement of what you want
to accomplish in this time with the family. Sometimes you will do this
over the phone before the family comes into the office. You should say it
again when you are with them. Here is one way you could say this: "Mrs. Jones,
my purpose is to give you all the necessary information and answer any
questions you might have, so you can make the best decisions about the
funeral arrangements for your husband."
Explain the basic topics and decisions. This is simply stating the
things that will be discussed. "We will be talking about the final
disposition of your husbands body, what services and merchandise you might
require, and I will need to gather some personal information so I can complete
the death certificate for you."
Explain the time frame. "This will take us about an hour and a half.
"Of course, you should state whatever time period you are accustomed to
having with a family. The family may balk at the amount of time you state.
If they do, you can adapt your approach, always keeping in mind that things
can change as the relationship develops. Don’t shut down the possibilities
because of a negative statement at the outset.
Give the General Price List to the family. We all know that this is
an FTC requirement before any substantive discussion of costs is engaged.
But instead of doing this because the FTC says so, do it in a way that
serves your purposes as an arrangement counselor. Remember, you want to act
inconsistently with their negative assumptions. Try this: "I want you to
have this General Price List to keep. It shows you the costs of everything
we will be discussing, so you are able to make the best financial decisions
for you and your family."
Putting it all together, here is Setting the Agenda:
"Mrs. Jones, I am here to give you all the necessary information and answer
any questions you might have, so you can make the best decisions about the
funeral arrangements for your husband. We will be talking about the final
disposition of your husbands body, what services and merchandise you might
require, and I will need to gather some personal information so I can
complete the death certificate for you. This usually takes about an hour
and a half. Before we start, I want you to have this General Price List to
keep. It shows you the costs of everything we will be discussing, so you are
able to make the best financial decisions for you and your family."
I changed some of the words to show you how you might craft this format to
suit you personally.
Conclusion
Serving the family well in the arrangement conference is one of the great
challenges in funeral service. It requires the best out of the funeral
director: thoughtfulness, humility, compassion, and the courage to help
the family in ways they may not realize. Out of this can grow the most
fulfilling experiences we can have in our profession: building positive
relationships with the people we serve.
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